Mashed Thoughts

Ma gave me the "doctor" talk again. She wants me to be a doctor so badly. She always insists that she believes that I can do it. But I KNOW I won't make it. I barely got over the whole micb co-op thing. If I can't get into that I won't be able to get into med. I would be just setting myself up for a big let down.

My grades aren't high enough anymore either. I've sort of lost all motivation for school. It isn't just a sudden thing. I've noticed this since high school. I'd slack off but I still did moderately well so I let myself slide some more.

Maybe it's because I don't have any optimistic views of the future. I just want a job where I'm told what to do. I don't care if it's monotonous. I just don't care. Why am I taking microbiology? I can't see myself ever working in a lab. Especially not as a career. How about computer science? I'm kidding myself. Sure I like it. But I'm not good at math. And I'm definately not a very good programmer. Still I plunge forward. Dragging more likely and I'm digging my heels in too.

See this type of attitude is not what a real doctor should be. There are more deserving people than me and the interviewers would know it. I can't even communicate very effectively. I stutter when asked a question. I take forever to think of a decent answer to simple questions about MY OWN experience. My mind is all muddled and I don't know what to do about it.

I know I'm letting my mom and my grandpa down. It tears me up inside. Days like these I want to just lay down, rest and never get up again.